(no subject)

There is nothing to say about the state of the world that hasn't been said better by actual experts a million times already. If anyone is following me on social media for the news, they have bigger problems than my inability to get my head together enough to live blog the pandemic. So I'll try to set aside feeling like I am doing something wrong for working through other things while real stuff is going on. I know its my brain casting around for stuff it can actually do something about, even if my various issues mean "do something" often means looping on stupid shit and chewing on issues from years ago.

I think its a sign of progress that one of the things I started to use to beat myself up about is both a current issue and something I can actually work on. With everyone moving to streaming and voice chat more, I've had to face something that has never been a priority for me. I HATE the sound of my voice. No I don't mean recordings, not even professional voice actors like their voice in recordings that much. I mean as the words are coming out of my mouth I often have to work at not spending brain space on how much I hate my voice. This ends up taking up nearly as much brain space but at least leaves me "vaguely annoyed at being reminded what a fuck up I am" and not arguing with myself over self hatred. So not only do I not own a mic I'm pretty sure I broke my laptop's built in mic on purpose.

It finally clicked that:

1)its probably as much gender as anything and

2)I can change it.

There are actual resources out there, some for free in ways that don't take from anyone else, for various kinds of voice training especially as relates to gender. Hell I think I could even live with sounding about twelve when I try to be chipper as long as it wasn't a twelve year old girl.

So not sure how much I'm going to actually do about that little revelation but I let myself talk a bit lower than usual, I don't think Mom even noticed, and I actually kinda liked it as opposed to just not hating it. So while I know it might just be because any new thing feels good for a while, I think it might be worth it. Just another way my little discord makes me want to be better: doing something about hating my voice never seemed worth it, but not only want to talk with them, I want to do it with out this distracting me.