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I don't want to be a webochondriac and I know that self diagnosis is especially stupid with psychology. That being said it doesn't take a PhD to know that my interest in the Hulk as a character is probably a reaction to my father's "anger issues".
Short version: he beat my mom, she divorced him (before I was in elementary school so I don't have memories of violence) but he got weekend custody so I have lived with his temper all my life; he hit me once but when I never stayed over night at his place again he started controlling himself better.
I can't talk to my mom about this. Even if she was able to talk about his temper without it triggering her (actual diagnosed) PTSD, she reacts to my even mentioning fandoms existence as proof I am cutting myself off from the real world. I can't talk to my Dad about this. Even if he is better than he was, its still a 50-50 shot on which version of his life he remembers that day: what happened from his skewed perspective or that everything was hunky dory. Even when he does remember he mostly reacts by buying me something as if that helps balance the ledger between us. My half brother would physically defend me to the death but I don't think he ever got the psychological aspect. The constant drain of monitoring and managing my father's moods whenever I saw him.
I used to watch the live action Hulk TV show when I was too young to make the connection and seeing the recent Avengers movie brought it all back. Including the (possibly Freudian) crush on Bruce Banner. Almost before I realized I was reacting to him I started freaking out about my reaction to him. Then it hit me: Banner worked to control it. The whole series was him living as a nomad in self imposed exile because he was willing to warp his entire life around not hurting the people around him. My dad egged himself on because he got what he wanted and "you couldn't hold it against him if he wasn't in control". Banner used everything in his power to keep a grip; Dad only took meds because the VA threatened to take away some of the money he gets for being a "wounded warrior" if he didn't manage his only wound - the mental problems.
So yeah, I think I can deal with my crush now that I understand it better. I don't want a man with anger issues like my dad; I want a man who puts in the effort to control himself even if he isn't always successful.
next week I can freak out about what kind of exhibitionist tendencies are indicated by me posting this on the internet instead of just writing it down on a piece of paper and burning it.
Short version: he beat my mom, she divorced him (before I was in elementary school so I don't have memories of violence) but he got weekend custody so I have lived with his temper all my life; he hit me once but when I never stayed over night at his place again he started controlling himself better.
I can't talk to my mom about this. Even if she was able to talk about his temper without it triggering her (actual diagnosed) PTSD, she reacts to my even mentioning fandoms existence as proof I am cutting myself off from the real world. I can't talk to my Dad about this. Even if he is better than he was, its still a 50-50 shot on which version of his life he remembers that day: what happened from his skewed perspective or that everything was hunky dory. Even when he does remember he mostly reacts by buying me something as if that helps balance the ledger between us. My half brother would physically defend me to the death but I don't think he ever got the psychological aspect. The constant drain of monitoring and managing my father's moods whenever I saw him.
I used to watch the live action Hulk TV show when I was too young to make the connection and seeing the recent Avengers movie brought it all back. Including the (possibly Freudian) crush on Bruce Banner. Almost before I realized I was reacting to him I started freaking out about my reaction to him. Then it hit me: Banner worked to control it. The whole series was him living as a nomad in self imposed exile because he was willing to warp his entire life around not hurting the people around him. My dad egged himself on because he got what he wanted and "you couldn't hold it against him if he wasn't in control". Banner used everything in his power to keep a grip; Dad only took meds because the VA threatened to take away some of the money he gets for being a "wounded warrior" if he didn't manage his only wound - the mental problems.
So yeah, I think I can deal with my crush now that I understand it better. I don't want a man with anger issues like my dad; I want a man who puts in the effort to control himself even if he isn't always successful.
next week I can freak out about what kind of exhibitionist tendencies are indicated by me posting this on the internet instead of just writing it down on a piece of paper and burning it.
